


holding your scarred heart in hand

by untilthenlive



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, KuroFai, KuroFai Week 2020, Kurogane Is Tender And Soft, M/M, Nihon, Post-Celes, VERY INTIMATE AND LOVEY HURT/COMFORT, and Fai Doesn't Know How To Handle It, that night in nihon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untilthenlive/pseuds/untilthenlive
Summary: Fai's fingers have scars. Kurogane has noticed. Now that he knows why they're there, he decides to do something about them.For KuroFai Week 2020, Day 3 - "Sweet and Spicy"(Title from "All The Same" by Sick Puppies, yet another song from my Kurofai playlist.)
Relationships: Fay D. Fluorite/Kurogane
Comments: 12
Kudos: 104





	holding your scarred heart in hand

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this a couple months ago, but was so nervous to post it until now, and I realized it worked for a Kurofai Week prompt. (sort of. LOL.) This was the first of many fics that I have written for these two over the last few months, and I HAVE to give a HUGE thanks to the TRC Discord; especially Velosarahptor and Parareve for encouraging me and helping me gain confidence in my writing and just being general all-around AMAZING people to scream about things with! LOVE YOU GUYS! I would never have gotten the courage to write or post any of this stuff without you guys <3

The night they found themselves in Kurogane's home country, together and alone and _safe,_ there was so much to talk about. So much to discuss, to apologize for, to forgive.

But that night, they came to an unspoken agreement that all of that could wait at least a few more hours. That night, in fact, they didn't speak much at all.

No, that night - Kurogane took Fai's hands to his lips and kissed the tips of each of his fingers.

He’d noticed the scars there once or twice before; in Outo, when he'd had to carry four drunk idiots to bed, the far-too-happy mage grabbing and touching him all over as he struggled to get him to _stop meowing, dammit, and go to sleep._ Or in Yama, when he’d been injured, and the mage had been the only one around to patch him up; the roughness on the fingertips of his unpracticed hands just barely noticeable as they carefully cleaned and stitched his wounds.

Or in Infinity, on any of the nights too few and far between, when those hands had held him in place; fingers wrapping around his wrist and forearm as predator fed reluctantly from insistent prey. On those nights, the roughness of those grasping fingertips had only served as a reminder of the distance that had grown between them. That even as they were physically closer than ever, there was still a chasm that might never be crossed now.

Those scars were secrets, easily-hidden and barely noticeable to anyone who wasn't looking too closely - and Fai certainly wasn’t going to go around talking about them. It was probably safe to assume no one had ever noticed them until Kurogane showed up.

(Of course, there were a lot of things that assumption applied to with Fai.) 

But every time he _had_ noticed them, they were impossible to ignore. Especially just now. 

Just now, after Kurogane had finally woken up and Fai had come into the room and, with a single action and a single exchange of words, returned to their teasing and banter as if it had never left; had brought them back to the way things were before.

Except _nothing_ was as it was before, in truth, and as Tomoyo quickly slipped out of the room to give them some privacy, Fai wordlessly sunk to his knees in front of Kurogane, his features falling into a plethora of emotions at once - remorse and relief and so many other things Kurogane couldn’t quite name.

He didn’t need to, though - because above all, what they were was _honest._

Fai reached up, carefully placing a hand on the ninja’s injured shoulder; tentatively, as if he were just waiting for Kurogane to push him away. Kurogane tried to meet his gaze, but Fai just focused on the empty socket, as if scared to look anywhere else now that he'd addressed it.

“How are you feeling?” Fai barely whispered.

“Fine,” was Kurogane’s low, measured response. It wasn't quite a lie - he _wasn't_ fine, he was in pain, was starting to feel the multitude of things that came with a loss of limb, and he suspected he would be dealing with both for longer than he could predict. But those were negligible compared to the alternative. He would take this pain, this loss, a million times over, if it meant Fai were alive and safe.

Fai wouldn’t say it, but Kurogane knew what he was thinking - that he’d been worried about him. It was written all over his face. It pissed him off - the idea that the mage thought Kurogane would let himself die before making _sure_ that he and the kids were safe first. The truth was - Fai shouldn’t be the one worrying when Kurogane had been the one terrified to lose _him_ . The fact that it had worked - that Fai was here, in Japan, right in front of him and alive and _safe,_ was almost a bigger shock than the loss of the arm itself.

A shock, and an indescribable relief.

Fai kept his gentle touch to Kurogane's shoulder as they sat close, as if to heal that irreversible wound himself. He knew, now, that the mage didn’t have any healing magic of his own, but the simple weight of that hand at his shoulder felt like healing all the same. That hand that suddenly began to move, as if with a mind of its own, gliding up from shoulder to neck to sharp jawline. Fai shivered almost imperceptibly to himself as he trailed his fingers across Kurogane’s jaw.

Kurogane sat in patient silence, happy to let the mage do with him whatever it was he wanted. He seemed to be finally reaching out for something for himself, for real this time, and Kurogane was _not_ going to stop him - especially if it was _him_ he was reaching out for. If Fai wanted anything from him - anything at all - he would give it, gladly. And he wasn’t going to stop him from asking for it.

But for a moment, something about those fingerprints skating across his jaw made him narrow his eyes, and when he recognized it - those rough, uneven scars -

\- Kurogane reached up, caught Fai’s wrist in his grasp, stopping him in his tracks.

Fai froze, looking like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t - like a deer in headlights. Instinctively, he began to pull his hand away, as if rejected. But Kurogane’s hold on his wrist was firm, if gentle, as he pulled it down, gently guiding those fingers open. Fai sat, frozen in front of him, as he inspected those delicate-looking hands.

(Delicate- _looking,_ for in reality he knew they were anything but. Even as Fai trembled quietly before him now, he _knew_ of the power those hands held. The magic that crackled below the surface. The vampire blood that flowed through those veins, the hunger that threatened to take control at any moment. That indescribable mortal power, that had nothing to do with the supernatural; that power that would have Kurogane on his knees, dropping everything at a moment’s notice for this man, whenever he needed. Whenever he asked.)

He held those pale, thin fingers within his own steadier ones, regarded the scars there as though inspecting a new injury rather than an ancient one. He ran his own thumb along the rough edges of whitened, raised tissue (hardly registering the other man’s shiver at the touch). Even when he had noticed these scars before, he never in a million years would have imagined the reason behind their existence.

He’d thought about it, of course, and the realm of possibility had included “attempted escape.” But the full truth was a far cry from any of the possible conclusions he’d reached.

Now that that reason had been revealed, had been broadcast directly to his own two eyes - he wanted to _maim_ the useless fucking bastards that did this to Fai. Or rather, that made Fai do this to himself. Hands were not a place to find such vulnerable and breakable skin. Hands were meant to toughen, to callous - to build up a resistance against hard work done by workers and farmers and travellers - and warriors. He knew this intimately, the pads of his own fingers rough and hardened from years of training and fighting and work. But to find _scars_ there would mean nothing but _pain_ \- would mean years and years of struggle and desperation, of unending cuts and scrapes and abrasions that were never given enough time between them to truly heal.

Kurogane wanted to do unspeakable horrors to those that threw the mage and his brother into that pit and that tower; to slaughter those that led to the cause of such heartbreaking scars on these beautiful, gentle, _powerful_ hands. They should count themselves lucky for having all died long ago, escaping Kurogane’s wrath.

But he'd learned, lately, that maybe it was less important to harm those who've done wrong - when you could do more to help those who were still suffering.

Fai himself was still here, still living in the wake of what those monsters had done to two such innocent souls. Fai was here, still living and breathing and hurting - and so Kurogane decided he would do the next best thing he could think of.

When he raised the first of those fingers up to his lips, he could hear Fai’s sharp intake of breath; could feel his body shudder, his hand tremble where he held it to his mouth. Kurogane paused to glance up and gauge Fai's reaction; he didn't want to go too far, to do something that wasn't wanted. But although Fai looked thoroughly shocked, his single eye wide and his mouth parted - he wasn't pulling away. Wasn't moving at all but for the trembling of a man who had never once been shown any amount of tenderness before, let alone to this degree.

That thought only strengthened Kurogane’s resolve to continue, pressing his lips to the next finger gently, reverently. Cradling that hand in his own, with a tenderness that even he would've never expected from himself, he slowly continued, giving proper time and attention to each digit. He lifted each one to his lips, and made sure each and every bit of every scar was attended to. Most of those scars reached down the length of each finger, closer to the joint. And, as he kissed one finger, his thumb skated along the rough pad of the one beside it, wishing to soothe away that horrible memory.

(He knew he couldn’t _actually_ erase the memory, usually didn't even like the idea of forgetting the past. But this certainly wasn't the first time his feelings for Fai had driven him to act like a reckless fool - and he knew it wouldn't be the last.)

Finally, he finished with that hand, satisfied with his work - and placed a lingering kiss to his palm. He then took those fingers to hold with his own, turning Fai’s hand over, steadying it as it shook and placing one more kiss to the knuckles. As he lowered this first hand, he meant to reach for the other, to give it the same attention, but from the corner of his eye, he saw Fai -

_Crying._

He turned his face to him, and paused.

He wasn't sobbing or anything, just… crying, silently. (He wondered if the mage even realized he was doing so.) He sat completely still but for his trembling hands and shaky breath - silent, flowing tears falling down that soft cheek, out of that single brilliant blue eye.

Kurogane decided to put a hold on his fool's errand for a moment, and instead of reaching for Fai's other hand, raised his own hand to that pale cheek. Fai’s hand followed his as if on instinct, having been held by it for so long now that it was more natural for them to stay together than come apart. Kurogane held Fai's gaze as thin fingers gently came to rest atop his warm, steady hand. Kurogane brushed his thumb lightly, soothingly, against soft skin, regarding the other man’s expression for a moment. Fai looked... sad, overwhelmed, shocked, _relieved -_ all at once _._ Like he’d gone his whole life not even considering that anyone would give him this sort of warm, loving attention - that he wouldn’t deserve it if they did. And now that he _was_ receiving it, he didn’t know how to react; didn’t even know how to hide his feelings away in the face of such a bold and quiet and tender expression of _love._

(And Fai knew, Kurogane realized - _must_ know, by now, how he felt about him. The way he was looking at him… he knew. He had to.)

It was the most honest and open he’d ever seen Fai look. And at that, Kurogane knew that he would go to all the ends of all the earths for this man.

They weren’t terribly far apart as it was, but Kurogane leaned forward, closing whatever space was between them, and pressed another reverent kiss to Fai’s skin - this time, on his cheek. Fai sucked in a breath as Kurogane pressed his mouth to that soft cheek - then higher, to hard cheekbone, to paper-thin eyelid, trying to kiss those tears away. (A bit of a fruitless effort, he thought, fondly exasperated, seeing how freely those tears were falling now.)

He let his thumb brush softly along Fai’s other cheek - the dry cheek, below black fabric - and almost wished he had two hands with which to hold him, to comfort him.

( _Almost_ , he thought as he remembered the alternative. This would do. This was enough.)

He let his lips linger there for a moment at Fai’s cheek, trying to communicate some unspoken understanding between them - one that he wouldn’t have words for even if he _wanted_ to speak right now. Which he didn’t - even though he knew they had so much to talk about, things that were _important_ and _needed_ to be said _._ But this moment between them right now was so fragile. He couldn’t risk shattering it with something as stupid as words. He needed to finish this.

When he finally pulled away, just barely, pale eyelashes fluttered open, and their eyes met, inches apart. After a moment, Fai let out a nervous breath that could've been a laugh if it were voiced. His face was flushed, his hand still resting on top of Kurogane’s where it touched his cheek, and he slowly, tentatively let his own fingers slide into the spaces between larger ones.

Kurogane took that hand again, fingers intertwined, and slowly led it back to his lips. He gave the knuckles one more attentive kiss - before pulling that hand down to spread flat against his own chest, guiding careful fingers to rest right over his heart. Fai really was truly speechless for once - for someone who usually used words to hide and deflect, there was nothing left to hide now. His expression was searching, his brow turned up in the middle, his one eye flickering back and forth between Kurogane’s. There was an unspoken question there, one that Kurogane answered by just keeping his hand steady over Fai’s for a moment longer. He wanted the mage to feel his heartbeat, _needed_ him to know how much he wanted this- how much he wanted _him_ , wanted to keep him safe, here, next to him.

Fai’s eyes widened, and when Kurogane finally pulled his own hand away, he was satisfied to find the feeling of Fai’s hand, steady, right where it was. Right over his heart - where it belonged.

Finally, Kurogane looked down to reach for Fai’s other hand - he still had work left to do.

When he pulled that hand higher, cradled it and coaxed it open palm-up, finding the edges of another scar with his lips - Fai let out a shaky, breathless sob - or maybe it was a laugh. A sound of disbelief, as if he hadn’t been expecting Kurogane to continue his work of devotion.

(The ninja wondered when Fai would finally realize that he was _not_ one to start things without intending to follow through.)

He felt the hand at his heart press in more firmly, felt a thumb sweep reverently across his breastbone, as he kissed the index finger of the other hand; the hand that was no longer trembling quite as much. Kurogane moved on down the length of this finger, and Fai’s now-steady hand at his chest slowly started to make its way up, up, past his throat, behind his neck; carding light, scarred fingers through dark hair. Kurogane couldn’t stop himself from letting out a breath at the touch - but he refused to stop, feeling Fai watching him as he gave this hand just as much undivided love and attention as he had the first. The hand that was now just lightly scratching at the base of his scalp encouragingly, lovingly.

Kurogane already hadn't been in any kind of hurry to finish this, but he _certainly_ wasn’t now. He had a job to do, but - he wanted to be selfish, too.

He would do anything to keep that hand tangled in his hair forever.

Still, eventually - when some indeterminate amount of time had passed, and he had kissed each scar - he finally felt satisfied with his work. He paused, letting his eyes open just a crack to gaze down at the hand he was holding like it was something precious - which it was. Maybe he wasn’t quite satisfied yet, he thought - and he couldn’t stop himself from giving one last lingering kiss to each fingertip - one, two, three, four, five.

Finally, he reluctantly opened his eyes, turning his gaze up to look at Fai.

Fai was -

He looked like a wreck - a total, _beautiful_ wreck - tears still drying on his cheek and glistening at the corner of his eye, but not streaming down anymore. His brow was furrowed but his lips were turned up into a small, _real_ smile that tugged at Kurogane’s heart - that made him want to do this all over again, just to keep that smile for himself, to commit it to memory. There was a shine in Fai's eye and a look on his face that revealed just how absolutely loved he felt. And he _was_ loved - so loved. 

He slowly reached out, with both hands now, to gently hold Kurogane’s face between them.

Kurogane closed his eyes briefly, turned his face into the touch, and sighed at the roughness of the scars still there. He knew the scars hadn't disappeared, of course they hadn’t. Scars didn’t just go away, just as the past didn’t, _couldn’t_ \- Kurogane of all people knew this.

But if the look Fai was giving him meant anything, it was the hope that maybe that past felt just a _little_ further, that those scars felt just a little less rough, a little less painful. If he couldn’t take those memories away, maybe he could at least write over them with new ones. 

Then again, maybe he hadn’t done anything here, really, but made Fai feel loved.

And that on its own was certainly worth it, he thought - especially as the mage smiled down at him like this.

Fai licked his lips. “You’re forgetting somewhere,” he said, voice quiet but steady.

Kurogane raised an eyebrow. Fai just grinned, and suddenly he understood - as Fai finally, _finally_ , pulled him in close, and pressed their lips together.

Kurogane found he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arm around Fai, pull him impossibly closer, and kiss him in return.

Yeah. _Definitely_ worth it.


End file.
